So today I had an annual visual field test. Basically I stare at a dot while a technician moves a laser pointer around the dot from behind me, and when ever I see the laser pointer dot, I press a buzzer. I do these every year because it’s really hard to measure the pressure in my eyes because of my condition, and the tests help us detect whether my pressure has been high enough to cause vision loss. It’s a reactive measure rather than proactive, but whatever. And since I have vision in both eyes, they always test both eyes. These tests are how we know my glaucoma medication is working for me and my pressure has been stable for years. 

Today, the technician (whom I always see. She wasn’t new) took one look at me and said “Since your left eye is gone, we only test the right eye today.” I was confused. I know I woke up with a left eye today and I’m pretty sure I brought it with me. I told her it’s not “gone”, vision hasn’t changed as far as I’m aware. She says “Yes but you only see shadows so there’s nothing to test.” I’m sort of used to this conversation so I went into my well rehearsed explanation of how I see shapes and colors and motion and, in the right conditions, even some details. Certainly enough to detect bright dots floating around on a screen. And anyway, I’ve done this test with both eyes before and it was ordered for both eyes by my doctor. 

She isn’t listening. She keeps cutting me off and repeating “so just shadows.” Finally she has me covered my right eye and she holds up some fingers and asks how many I see. The room is very dimly lit, she has a glove on her hand that blends in with the machinery behind her, and she isn’t being considerate about where exactly she holds her hand. Basically, what could have been a standard assessment of vision was no better than a rude question from a mildly intoxicated stranger at a bus stop.  But I still tell her correctly that she is holding up two fingers. Then, three fingers. And then a third time, I incorrectly declare that I see one finger.  The technician gets an ”aha!” look on her face (which I could see, by the way) and scolds “see now, don’t lie. You waste everyone’s time by lying, if you can’t see it just say you can’t, but lying and making up numbers when you can’t see anything causes problems for us.” 

Do you know what I was seeing in that moment? RED. And I don’t have any of the restraint I had before kids, guys. I scolded her right back with a “Hold on, absolutely not! Do NOT try to tell me I’m lying when I tell you what I see. I am not about to sit here and put up with that kind of ableist arrogant gaslighting. You asked how many fingers I saw and I told you. What do you think vision is like a flashlight and it’s either on at 20/200 or better, and entirely turned off otherwise?” She proceeded to argue with me about the one finger test I got wrong and then finally said it’s too early for this and started the visual field test for my right eye only. She completely refused to test the left eye. 

My right visual field tested perfect. I wasn’t surprised. It always does. 

She went on to accuse me of cheating and pressing the buzzer when I didn’t actually see any light. 

I picked up my 15-month old daughter, who was sitting on the floor next to me through all of this, and I walked out. 

I did not ask her to count the finger I was holding up as I left. I wish I had. 

I did tell my doctor every detail of this encounter. He was pissed he didn’t get the test results he ordered. He wants me to come back another day to finish the test with the left eye he can confirm I definitely did not forget to bring with me. 

He put a note in my chart to never have that particular technician see me again. And he escalated a report to management about her conduct. 

I’m still mad.